I quit frequenting confessionals long before I started getting my laundry good and dirty. "Forgive me father for I have sinned. My last confession was??? Um??? 30 years ago. You better turn on the light and settle in, I've got quite the laundry list. Heck let's get nostalgic and review my last list, but first, forgive me for waiting so long between confesses. I'm told, that in itself, is a sin.
OK here we go....
1. Forgive me for whacking my sister over the head with that green "O-Cedar" broom. I must have hit her pretty hard. I felt really bad when I saw the blood. I immediately was sorry, but I am not sure if I told her so. "O-Cedar makes sisterhood life easier."
2. Forgive me for taking that apple from the refrigerator when Mom said I couldn't eat anything before supper. I was so ashamed I hid under the bed and ate it. I think I know how Adam and Eve must have felt. Dang, The Garden of Eden is that much further out of reach.
3, Forgive me for peeking at my Christmas presents, but Norman Claus kind of has a nice ring to it.
4. Forgive me for punching LuLu Schinberger. We don't have all day so let's just say she was trying to defend her friend Hank, who was getting fresh with me, as fresh as a grade school boy could get. I warned Hank, "If you touch me I'm going to punch you." Its probably wrong, but I was pretty proud of that black eye. I was defending myself. My first real feeling of feminist power, I believe. Power to a girl who can defend herself. I feel pretty lucky I haven't had to defend myself in that way, after that incident.
OK now for the good and dirty laundry. Let's pull out my lists from 1982 to 1999's. Hmm.... let me think about this. I never have stunk up the confessional with this stuff, so what's the point now? For God sakes, I didn't feel guilty about most of those so called sins. I mean, what's a good sin without the guilt to go with it. This sinning thing is a little confusing. There must be categories. I'm thinking I should only bring the category "5's" in here. I always wondered if serious criminals actually went to confession. I'm still wondering.Hey I know when I've sinned. I've had guilt. I've forgiven (myself). I've asked for forgiveness. I've sincerely apologized. You know we have options when it comes to airing our dirty laundry.
Next time I'm doing laundry here's what I'm going to do.
1. Hold up suspect pieces of clothing in my own daylight.
2. Check for unsightly stains.
3. Apply SPRAY AND PRAY.
7. Repeat if necessary.
8. Stubborn stains may be worn in public or semi-public settings, as long as they belong to you. That's a personal choice.
* No priests were harmed in this blog post. Many have undoubtedly helped others while behind the "curtain". It just really wasn't my thing.