Seriously I just ate a whole order of Dominoes hot wings. Good thing I grazed solely on fruits and vegetable all day leading up to my truth seeking hot sauce mission. Truly today was pretty tough, yet I was strangely calm, for me anyway. Today we found out the my dad's cancer is back after 10 years of remission.
So, mom called with the news this morning while I was at work. She handed the phone over to dad. At first I was pretty calm, but then I started to cry a bit. That was hard for dad, as it was all pretty fresh, just getting the call from the doctor and all. He handed the phone back to mom.
We talked again tonight. This time it was more like the normal Kim and dad talking kind of stuff. I was telling him all about Angela's Bible Road Trip, beings dad and I have always had deep philosophical "truth seeking" talks, ever since I was about 12 or so. I went on to tell him about the process of re-doing my website and the plans for Modern B*a*g Ladies. He said, "As long as you are seeking the truth it will all work out." I do believe that.
Tonight he asked me to write about the days to come, as we face whatever this cancer journey has in store for us. Dad has a feeling about it. I know about those types of feelings, as the power of feminine can transcend gender. Let's take a little jaunt.
I want to take you to the sanctuary of my grandma’s home. I’m going to close my eyes while painting a picture of the experience with my Grandma Veronica. Our family of 6 would enter into this modest bungalow after a long car drive. Grandma’s house was lived in. No plastic covered couches or fine breakables to be concerned with. The breakfast nook was on the right as we entered the back door. We would be eating breakfast there the next morning, watching birds outside the window at the birdbath and feeders. Red Cardinals! (My brother claims this is an inaccurate recollection. Cardinals don't aren't found that far north. He's wrong.)
As I walk into the dining room I see the table where we played games and did puzzles. I think I did that Under Dog puzzle hundreds of times. Toby the parakeet flew freely and swooped down and perched on grandma’s shoulder. Handmade paper helicopters with paperclips, launched from the top of the stairs. I was fascinated with tossing things down the laundry chute. We would venture down to the basement to retrieve our parachuted items, making out way to play a game of dart; you know the real kind with sharp points. Occasionally, I would sleep with grandma. I remember feeling the most peaceful feeling laying with grandma, a peace that I hadn’t felt much in my life until recently. I later learn from my dad, that while lying with my grandmother she was most certainly in a state of prayer.
As I grew older, visits to my grandma’s, grew further and further apart. I was getting on with my life. I slowly but surely, began to bury my born beliefs, with bought and borrowed ones. How could I be so eager to leave this sanctuary behind? Both the physical and the one within my heart.
Later in life I learn that within the sanctuary of my grandma’s home, she was a victim of abuse by her second husband, who was an alcoholic. Her first husband, my grandfather, passed away when my dad was only 6. My father tells me stories, that as a teenager, he would attempt to defend and protect his mother. Iggy spent much of their money on alcohol. My grandmother and 3 sons were left with little. She eventually divorced Iggy. She struggled so hard for herself and her sons, yet I know she never lost faith. I know this because I was there with her feeling her love. I felt safe. I was safe with grandma. My dad says I am very much like my Grandma Veronica. I feel her presence with me much of the time.
My dad once spoke of his father's passing and recollects his mother, my Grandmother Veronica, fainting upon hearing the news.
My dad once spoke of his father's passing and recollects his mother, my Grandmother Veronica, fainting upon hearing the news.
Veronica couldn't have imagined the power she possessed as a young woman. Grandma Veronica did not have power over others. She did not have an abundance of money and had more than her share of hard times, which required her to reach deep inside to access her power. Her life and well being of her 3 sons depended on it.
I am the benefactor of my grandmother's feminine power, which transcended through my dad to me. I must do my best to honor this gift and share it with others.
In the windows surrounding my kitchen sink I perch birds figurines. Yellow, Red, Brown. Occasionally I see a real cardinal outside. Oh grandma, I know you're there, guiding me to the truth.
I leave you tonight with this; Travel I say. Reach out in search of the truth and if you happen upon a full order of Dominoes hot wings along the way, well hell sometimes you'll have a weak moment. Accept the fact that you ate the whole thing and set out again. I'd say I left this day on a pretty damn good note.
